You ever been 18 feet tall, spotted like it’s the cheetah pattern trend all over again, with a tongue long enough to lick your own ear?
No?
Allow me to welcome you into the musings of my life.
My name is Gerald. On behalf of the giraffe community, I want to let you know we are tired of humans thinking we’re just awkward, leggy salad munchers wandering the savanna like confused yoga gurus.
My sister Janet insists I’m being too dramatic, but I’m not listening to the giraffe who thought Bluetooth was a dental condition.
You think I’m out here eating leaves all day?
HA!
You’ve heard of the whole sleep thing, right?
Yeah, well, we CHOSE the whole “sleeping only 20 minutes per day” thing.
Try being a snack-shaped skyscraper surrounded by lions who treat our nap time like a buffet grand opening. You think I’m going to lie down and trust Larry the Lion’s self-control?
I sleep standing up.
Do I drool?
Yes.
But you can count on me still looking majestic.
Besides spending 20 minutes on my daily regenerating sleep and applying my favorite moisturizing eye cream, I am not afraid to share I have a time-bending ability, for all intents and purposes.
No, Neo, I can’t dodge bullets Matrix style, but when I dodge Larry’s attempted snack fest, it looks like a ballet and not pure giraffe panic.
Well…sometimes panic, but I promise it’s always graceful.
Don’t get me started on this neck.
Seven vertebrae. Just. Like. You. Except mine are each the size of a hardcover dictionary. You use yours to argue on Reddit. I use mine to win interspecies slap-fights we call “necking.” You ever seen two giraffes swing their necks like wrecking balls to settle dominance? No? Google it.
I’ll wait. Miley Cyrus can’t beat that!
However, I’m sorry to disappoint you by saying your documentaries missed an important part of my day that you would have found completely fascinating.
Bye.
Just kidding!
I’ll tell you.
Get close so I can whisper it in your ear..
Oh, sorry, I forgot I’m a giant.
In that case, I’ll just write you an email explaining my superpower.
JANET! Get my Windows Air Double Nokia Edition Laptop!
No, I don’t have a girlfriend, Janet.
Just get my computer, please!
Okay, are you ready?
Using my 7-foot neck, I do something called “Neckportation.”
That’s right.
Stretch too far, and physics get confused.
I once grazed in Kenya; it was totally off limits, but I’m a rule breaker around the crowd here. Anyway, stretched for a high acacia leaf, and popped into Botswana!
Man, I blinked for a second–BOOM–new continent.
You humans think it’s migration.
That’s why we act so confused when you tag us with GPS collars. You’re tracking the wrong version, sweetheart!
The real me is back in Namibia, sunbathing near a baobab tree, sipping dew from an aloe leaf.
Let’s talk tongues.
Yes, mine is long.
Yes, it’s blue-ish black.
No, I don’t dye it to get the most likes on my Instagram story.
Only Janet, my sister, does that.
Anyway, the striking color of my tongue is to avoid sunburn.
That’s the boring reason.
The one I usually go with is for slurping treetop snacks in full sun 12 hours a day.
I can wrap this baby around a thorn-covered acacia branch, strip the leaves, and dodge every thorn like I’ve got botanical Spider-Sense.
You may be wondering what happens when I’m out of snacks.
I photosynthesis.
You heard me.
Those dark patches on my skin? Not just fashionable–they’re solar panels.
On a slow day, I just park in the sun and charge.
A little bit like your Tesla.
Except I’m generating the most delicious lunch ever, and you’re…well… not.
You humans put me in documentaries with voiceovers like, “The giraffe (my name is Gerald, thanks a lot), is a gentle giant of the grasslands…”
You film me chewing and call it a simple life.
You write I’m vulnerable. All because I blink slowly and eat leaves?
I’ll have you know I’m a solar-charging, neckporting, mega-beast with a 25-pound heart and legs that kick harder than a freight train.
I have never been kicked out of a watering hole, and I don’t plan to start.
Speaking of legs, have you seen mine?
Each one is taller than your Uncle Todd.
Try to sneak up on me, and one back kick can launch you into the afterlife.
Also, real talk, when we do lie down to sleep, we curl our necks around like a pretzel and rest our heads on our butts.
You think that’s weird?
You sleep under a weighted blanket with a face mask and call it self-care.
I overheard a tourist the other day say,
“Aw, look at him, just enjoying the warm sun.”
Ma’am, I was loading my generational wisdom through a dream network while solar charging my metabolic reserves.
You were swatting flies.
Let’s not compare.
Let me ask you this: Have you ever stared into a giraffe’s eyes and felt… something?
That wasn’t your imagination.
The final superpower that I’ll reveal is our ability to reflect your inner state back at you.
Angry people soften.
Narcissists get uncomfortable.
Sad people cry. They stopped hugging me after I picked a kid up by some leaves at the Zoo, but you get the idea.
You call it a “spiritual moment,” but we call it passive psychological warfare.
But, of course, you don’t know any of this.
As a species, we giraffes have agreed to never show our full hand.
We are prepared for the day AI takes over the planet.
Clearly, you are not.
We will have superpowers to rely on.
You will have documentaries that convey only a fraction of our awesomeness.
Give your National Geographic reporter a raise!
That guy still hasn’t figured us out, LOL.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Signed with grace and grass,
Gerald
Diana Izvoznikova from Aliso Viejo, California, United States of America
